In Spring 2020, at the beginning of the pandemic, my husband Stuart was diagnosed with a rare autoimmune disease, Polymyositis. This affected his muscles and lungs. As a result of the steroid treatment, his bones were fragile and had 5 spinal fractures. He was unable to walk and needed help with most things. He was also immunosuppressed due to the medication and so spent the whole pandemic shielding and protecting him.
In January 2021, we lost our Dad. He had advanced dementia and after a number of falls and seizures he had a stroke which left him hospitalised where he caught covid and passed away. We hadn’t been able to visit for 3 months because of covid. We had 5 other funerals to attend in the following 6 months.
As life began to recover from the endless lockdowns in 2021, Stuart had started to improve slightly and was able to walk with crutches, drive short distances, and had been vaccinated. He’d been to see a new consultant who had given us lots of hope for recovery with a new regime of treatment. Elizabeth went back to school, I went back to work on campus. We were still very cautious and took every step we could to avoid covid. Sadly it wasn’t enough and despite both vaccinations, in October 2021, both me and Stuart caught Covid. Despite all attempts from the fabulous ICU staff at Salford Royal, at age 55, Stuart passed away on 31st October 2021 with me by his side.
Since that dreadful day, I have been privileged to get so much love, support, and friendship from so many people. I want to say a heartfelt thank you to each and everyone of you who has sent good wishes, thought about us, smiled when I needed it or simply let me know you are at the end of the phone if I needed you. In the last 6 months I’ve been getting out and about, distracting myself with house renovations, holidays, and making new memories, as the realisation of how short life is kicks in. Some people have said to me ‘oh you look happy’ ‘good to see you’ve moved on’ ‘you look like you’re living your best life’. I’m none of those things. I’m grieving and I have PTSD. I suffer from flashbacks on a daily basis. I struggle to concentrate, I struggle to sleep, I struggle to get out of bed, I cry most days, triggers are everywhere. I’m a mess most days, but I still function and go to work, I still look after myself so I can look after others. I have to ‘Crack On’.
I couldn’t however, have got through the last year without my amazing friends and family who really stepped up and I will be forever grateful.
- Barbara, Mandy, Lauren, Hilda, and all of Stuarts family for thinking about me and checking in on me when they were also struggling, but I couldn’t see beyond my own grief
- Nathan and Dan for making sure me and Elizabeth were ok when they are also grieving for their Dad
- Shelley for bringing food and checking in on me daily
- Sarah, Jacqui, Abi, Claire, Janette, Colleen, Tina, who were there for me without any hesitation.
- Jayne, Nicky, Julia who not only check in on me at home, but also at work.
- Work friends and colleagues for sending the most thoughtful gifts and messages, thank you Rachel, Katie, Tyler, Sarah, and the whole School of Nursing.
- Chris for calling in for regular brews and a chat and getting things sorted for me. Chris, Stuart would be so grateful for all you’ve done for me.
- The badminton boys club (BBC) for being there for me and Elizabeth when they’ve lost their best friend
- All the BB Fitness gang, Brendan, Karen, Tracey, Ann, Jo, Joanna, and too many others for putting up with my inconsistency and tears, and for keeping me going (more than you know!)
- The students who have took time to ask how I am and if they can help, thank you, you’ll be great nurses!
- Every single person who has helped in other ways that have more impact than you’ll ever know! Everyone from my hairdresser to the builders who have been sensitive and tried their best, thank you.
And of course Elizabeth, my beautiful daughter who makes me proud every single day #TeamSinclair
There are other people who I thought would be there for me, but for their own reasons have stepped away. I understand it’s difficult to deal with, and grief affects people in different ways. My door is always open though and if anyone feels like they left it too late, it’s never too late, just call in, no judgement. I have to continue to process the grief and believe me, I’ve been surrounded by people who love me but still felt alone, and that’s because everyone is following their own path to deal with their loss. Life changes immensely after loss, the things we did as a couple and a family have all but disappeared. The phone calls stop, the house is quiet, the laughter has gone. Never underestimate the power of a smile, a check in, a text message, a kind word, a hug, an invitation, a drop in for a cuppa or a glass of wine, because it can lift someone out of a very dark place. I speak from experience. Lots of people have said they were worried about saying the wrong thing to me, but in reality nothing anyone can say can make it any worse, the worst has already happened. I love it when people talk about Stuart, it keeps his memory alive, so please don’t feel awkward, it’s good to talk. When Stuart died, we’d spent almost 24 years together, and I don’t know if, or when, I will ever manage the loss and grief. I just know that I couldn’t had got to where I am without you all.
Much love xxx
wendysinclair 